Tudo Bomb

Tossing aside concerns about "perceived racism", SKY's defence analyst Colonel Mike Dewar observed on Thursday evening that "if it means that we have to be suspicious of people with darker skins, then so be it", thereby opening up the possibility of Islamic martyrdom to a more diverse cross-section of Londoners.

Aside from being compromisingly swarthy, Jean Charles de Menezes was executed the next morning whilst reportedly wearing a highly suspicious padded jacket in what we Brits refer to as "warm weather". (Being an electrician on his way to work, it's also possible he had some wires dangling out of his pockets.)

Shortly after the Stockwell incident the city of London was being buzzed by a pair of Chinooks. Now unless these were specially modified surveillance Chinooks, or the intention was to impress potential terrorists with the size of our helicopters, these choppers were surely packed with more of those shoot-to-kill types ready for rapid deployment down dangling ropes onto the streets below.

The Guardian had some bad news last week for Islamic martyrs, self-activating and otherwise. The Syriac word hur, which Koranic translators typically render as virgin, could in fact refer to a chilled drink of white raisins. Downing 72 of these concoctions is likely to render the Just eternally vomitous.

In fact, Ibn Warraq points out in his article that the exact number of houris is never specified in the Koran itself, and so vivid are the descriptions of the gardens of paradise that some scholars have suspected that their ultimate author was describing representative art of Christian origin, having misinterpreted chaste angels as male and female figures of the sensual sort. (These black and doe-eyed maidens were said to be able to shag as much as they like and still remain virgins, rather like Makosi in Big Brother)

Ibn Warraq also quotes 15th century Muslim theologian Al-Suyuti who wrote "the penis of the Elected never softens. The erection is eternal", another heavenly reward for the Elected (erected?) that merits a second or third thought.